It is a gloriously rainy day here in Northern California, and I have delighted in it. Rainy days have always had a marvelous way of speaking to my soul and prompting a whole lot of self introspection. Something about how big the clouds are makes me feel small and safe somehow.
It has been over a year now since I started this blog, slowly finding my voice and learning to be vulnerable in a rather public way, and I have been feeling like maybe it was time to kick things up a notch. I mean, obviously I know what I’m doing here now, I got this whole blogging thing. Let’s get after it Lord! He has such a kind way of bringing me back down to where I’m supposed to be.
I recently joined a couple different Facebook groups that pertain to various aspects of my life. A support group for parents of kids with ADHD, and (glory!) a group for Christian women writers to support each other. I felt like I had struck gold with this group. There is so much information; a space to share your work and have others read it and give feedback; and the amazing benefit of being inspired by reading other blogger’s work. But then the overwhelm set in.
Suddenly I’m reading about what platforms everyone is using to share their work, and how often they are writing, and I’m realizing that I am definitely still just a baby blogger. As I’m beginning to feel the weight of inadequacy, a friend texts to say that an author we both admire has just messaged her to ask permission to feature my friend’s words in her new book…suddenly I am so small. I am a nobody and I immediately begin to question why I’m here.
Have you ever felt that way? Like you thought you knew where you were going, you had this passion and a dream, and you thought you were well on your way to reaching it when suddenly you realize you’ve barely left the starting gate!
As I have written about before (here) I struggle with ADHD, which means I am easily overwhelmed by every day life. Things like routines are a struggle for me (although once I get one in place you sure as heck better not mess it up or you’ll find yourself on the business end of a hissy fit!). Keeping up on household tasks like laundry and cleaning is rough, and the ensuing chaos often threatens my sanity. Knowing that the best thing I can do for my ADHD sons is to have structure and order, but feeling like I am incapable of providing that for them is a constant source of frustration for me.
God knows all of this. He knows where I’m at in life, because He put me here. He knows every square inch of my writer’s soul, and He alone knows what I can and most definitely should not do. The last few days have just been Him pulling me back saying “not so fast sweet thing.”
The majority of my life, growing up, not knowing I had ADHD, and now as a mother who is doing her best to deal with it, I have frequently wished I could just be “normal.” This morning as I reflected on the rather huge gap between where I am, and where I want to be, I could hear Him softly whispering: “I’m not calling you to be normal. I’m calling you to speak to the ones who are struggling too, because I am slowly growing you, and I alone know how this story ends.”
Oh man. But Lord I wanna be MORE! I wanna be BIGGER! And then as I resisted this seeming call to be small, I stumbled upon this in my Facebook feed:
We encounter two main pressures on this journey in life. One is from God and the other is not. One will push you toward striving as you try to make sure everything happens in YOUR timing and through YOUR wisdom and efforts. Fear and control drives your decisions and leaves little room for rest.
On the other hand, GOD is always going to be inviting, whispering, and challenging you to increase your faith and rest. And to rest well, is to trust well. Learning to resist pressure that is not from God is key to experiencing a rested, well cared for soul. And you are only as well as your soul. (And lets face it, our families are only as well as OUR soul.) — She’s Velvet Steel
Well when He hits you upside the head with irrefutable wisdom it gets harder to argue with Him. Remember that friend I mentioned? After a heart to heart we realized we were each feeling less than the other. We were in some ways both being driven to prove to ourselves that we belonged here in this writing gig. Oh the silliness that fear brings us to! So I will rest, and trust and stop trying to be BIG on my own efforts. God does not always call us to be BIG in every stage of our lives. In fact, quite often He calls us to be small. To send our little ripples into the big picture and trust that they find where they’re meant to be.